The heartache from a rotten outcome, a disappointing turn of events, or a catastrophic failure can be very troubling. Consequences, pain and suffering seem to be an inevitable part of life – and confusing enough to keep us awake late into the night while our minds sort out possible conclusions we can learn from.
For example;
It’s a little after 4:00 AM. I’ve been awake for over an hour with thoughts from a decision someone else made that hurt me. I see how I set myself up for the wound. I’m overly generous and often contribute to ‘prime’ the pump (meaning speculative collaboration) on projects. This situation isn’t life and death. It’s only the loss of a $25,000 contribution. The core of my challenge is more about the ‘nature of man’, and outcomes we attract that seem absurd, even wasteful.
How can we value loss, and use it for good? How do I deal with really disappointing outcomes?
1) Get a better perspective
Before the Hubble telescope went into space, astronomers peered into the universe through glass optics and a shifting atmosphere. Knowledge of distant universes, and details of creation were blurry. From 353 miles above the earth, Hubble can study the universe in pure darkness.
Funded in 1970, but due to massive cost overruns, and a seven year delay from the grounded fleet of shuttles (Challenger disaster), Hubble didn’t launch for twenty years. Within weeks of the placement in space, the images returned showed that there was a serious problem with the optical system. The main mirror had been ground incorrectly, severely compromising the telescope's capabilities. NASA has sent five shuttle missions to service Hubble, one of which was greatly delayed because of the loss of shuttle Columbia.
After decades of delay, cost overruns and human sacrifice, Hubble is expected to be in service until 2014.
“What a waste of $6 billion dollars!”. Why should we have bothered?
Perspective.
1) The company that manufactured the optics for the Hubble ignored it’s bad test results and reported to NASA that the mirror was perfectly figured. They lied.
2) Hubble has helped to refine estimates of the age of the universe and over 800 scientific papers have been written based on Hubble data because Hubble can perform high-resolution observations of any part of the night sky, and on objects that are extremely faint.
3) The costs per paper are about 100 times that of ground based telescope research.
The final thought is that man is better off having learned from the effort than if we’d stayed in our atmospheric cave. Yes, learning can be expensive, delayed and valuable.
Back here on Earth
My initial reaction to unexpected outcomes has been to get really mad. I don’t bottle my emotions. I was taught to vent. The anger comes from arrested development. It wells up in me the instant I imagine an outcome (now as an adult) that resembles something in my childhood. For example; in my youth, I wrongly agreed with ignorant comments that I didn’t “deserve life to be easy”. “Life isn’t fair. Get over it”. “boys like you don’t get to win, achieve or succeed”. I recorded these kind of statements from ‘authority figures’ as truth. After-all, they lined up nicely with the situation that I was an unwanted fatherless child left with grandparents that had kicked my mother onto the streets at 15.
I was raised in the Catholic faith, convinced by the nuns in school that “God punishes little boys like me”. Without adult hormones, my brain recorded their ‘truths’ as ‘my’ truths. For decades I built a floor, walls and roof to hide my collections of rejection, frustration and fear.
As an adult, I easily get overwhelming feelings when confusion, complexity and not enough time for other people to sort out the truth promise to deliver “consequences” to me – even though I’m not responsible for the chaos or decisions. “It’s NOT fair!” I pout. “It’s not supposed to be – for you!”; I still hear the nun say.
On a scale of 1-10, how does YOUR challenge rate?
Your answer depends a bit on your age and experience. As teenagers, we struggle with the false belief that “it will always be like this”, the “situation is permanent”, or “that’s it – final”. As we mature, we learn that things are rarely final.
In my current stress, the lost contribution that I’m all worked up about doesn’t even rate as a 3 out of 10. That’s because other really tough experiences in life have made this one far less significant. Age looks like it’s doing this for me as well. The older I get, the less time I have to invest in dumb habitual thinking based on wrong conclusions.
Wayne Dyer says; “the things that served us in the morning of our lives don’t serve us well in the afternoon of our life.”
2) Don’t become a victim
I was slated for the US Astronaut training program and was disqualified because I wasn’t a minority. “Yes, I’m Caucasian, what does that matter?”
I failed admissions to the US Naval Aviator school because I was one day too old. “Correct – a single day changed my career path.”
I’m a Vietnam veteran. I thought that serving my country would be honored. People actually spit on me for serving my country in that war. “How unexpected was that?”
In 1979, I fell off a glacier and broke my neck. I was told that I’d never walk. “Yeah, that was a pretty big bummer.”
In 1980, my daughter Christi died at birth. She suffocated when her umbilical cord was cut because her lungs hadn’t been able to fully develop. The autopsy revealed that she had a congenital diaphragmatic hernia (CDH). This occurs in some degree with 1 of 3000 babies. All I believed was that “it wasn’t fair”. What we were counseled was that we had conceived before being married, and “God was punishing us”. Ouch.
These are authentic experiences. However, the conclusions I made were based on dumb beliefs. I deepened my habits as a “victim” of bad luck. Fortunately, I love to read and learn. I can change!
3) Look for Scotomas
Psychological blind spots [1,2] based on arrested development are frequently the cause of anger and emotional flare-ups [5]. Self-awareness of our feelings [3] is a really helpful means of resolving the false beliefs [2], that are based on misunderstood or partial knowledge of experiences [1]. When our mind defends itself by deception or concealment, it affects our self-talk and attitudes [4], which influences our behaviors [5].
Taking time to consider, and, as I’m now doing, communicating with peers is really helpful. I consider converting sleeplessness into a lesson more valuable than tossing and turning for a few hours.
The conclusions I’ve made [2] on hundreds of daily irritations [5], and on dozens of actual ‘bad’ life events [1], have turned out to be poor judgments – like the faulty test equipment and the resulting lie from the Hubble optics manufacturer Perkin-Elmer. Their managerial failings on the quality control were due to shortcomings of relying totally on test results from a single instrument. (no peer-peer comments) Perkin-Elmer came to a lousy outcome because of a small blindness. I do this all the time. So do you.
Better Conclusions:
“I’m NOT my thoughts”
I am a spiritual being having an earthly experience. I am able to control my thoughts and they shouldn’t control me. My life is NOT what I am thinking - any more than my imagined checking account balance can be spent. My thinking is the result of my beliefs and my attention/discipline of mind. I choose what to think and believe. Paul Hirsch put it simply; “thoughts are like toes and fingers – something you have – not something you are.”
“GOD is NOT my Church”
Open these images from Hubble and look closely – very closely. If I believe that my relationship with the creator of the universe is defined, restricted or determined by the choices of a few people in volunteer roles at my church, then I remain a 5 year old, cowering in the shadow of a frustrated nun.
All I have to do is look at these images and consider the childish perspective my mind tries to fool me into accepting. The organizational decisions of a small number of people, on a single planet shouldn’t be the ceiling of my hope, faith, emotional security or disposition.
Besides. I’m now going back to bed to ‘sleep on it’ – which is another tool you can read about.
Thanks for listening. I feel much better now.